Liam's Garden

One of my dearest friends from High School Brent put together a fundraiser to create a Memorial Garden for Liam in Chris and I's backyard.  A place where Chris and I can go to be at peace with our memories of our son.  Brent and his men where here everyday to finish the project before Liam's birthday. They worked very hard and gave their precious time and energy to create a special place that we love. 

 A beautiful garden with trees, flowers, bushes, rocks and a gorgeous water feature that makes the most comforting sound.  Each bush, tree, plant etc. designed to have a meaning of life, purity and more. Each piece blooms white in the spring reflecting to me the whiteness of the angels. A new sidewalk and steps make the garden even more gorgeous.  

They also placed Liam's bench that was given to us from Chris's work friends and a Windchime given to us by Amy and her sweet friends to help emphasize the meaning and the life of Liam Kent Sugar.  

We want to thank all of you who donated and gave your hard earned money to help this garden fall into place. There is so much meaning and love that shines here and thanks to you, Chris and I will have it forever. Chris and I want to thank Brad and Joe, for working so hard with the labor and the gorgeous design. 

And of course a special thank you to Brent. You made all of this happen, you fell in love with Liam and wanted to give Chris and I this place to reflect. We are forever grateful and blessed to have you in our lives. I cannot tell you how much we are thankful or how much we love you.  Liam's life will continue to bloom as we watch it grow because of you. My dearest Big Bear. You are one of a kind. 

Happy 1st Birthday

As we celebrated Liam's birthday, we shed lots of tears but also we shared our love. Our love for him and what he meant to all of us.  

We began our birthday party with a dinner and then went to his resting place where I asked everyone to write a special note of what they would say to Liam as we attached them to red, yellow and blue balloons. As we watched them go to the heavens we remembered him, we cried for him, and we prayed for him. Flowers were brought from all of us and from others making his site shine. We gathered to our house for cake and ice cream. Liam had his cake and we sang Happy Birthday to him. As we sang I was so overwhelmed, it was truly like we were singing with the angels.  He was with us through it all and so was Our God.  I prayed for it. 

My dad took a picture that proved he was with us. I light so bright it was breathtaking.   Thank you Lord for what you have given us, you have shown us that Liam and you are always here. 

Chris and I both agree that this day was one of our hardest. We have had so many but not having what we wish we had makes this journey unbearable. We continue to mourn, cry, remember, and smile and above all else, we keep our faith. 

I asked all of you to wish Liam a Happy birthday on this day and Chris and I are overwhelmed with all of the love and wishes you sent to him on his day.  You all help us get out of bed each day and face a new day. Liam is one special little boy to have touched not only us but all of you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  He had a birthday full of love and that's all I could have ever asked  

Xoxox

1 year

This is it.... The week that my mind and heart have achingly known was approaching. Liam's 1st birthday. 

August 27th, 2012 at 9:57 my world was changed forever.  Chris and I met our strong, beautiful little boy.  In those first few moments I heard his one and only cry that will forever be burned in my ears and the sight of a scar-free little boy that will be tattooed into my eyes until I take my last breath on this earth.  How one little person can make you love beyond words. How the sight of him shows you the true meaning of what this life is about. 

 God, please give me the strength to do this, carry us through this life and especially these next few days as we long to hold him, kiss him, see what he would look like and watch him grow with life and personality, stand by us as we remember the bravest, awe inspiring gift you have given us.  

The hole, the ache, the heaviness my heart feels daily sometimes becomes so overwhelming tears just flow and on others I function because I have my faith, Chris and Parker and our family, friends, and also I can feel and see the presence of Liam all day, everyday. Seeing reflections of light, rainbows, a red cardinal that shows up regularly, the warmth of the sun, stars, our beautiful garden, my list of GodWinks are endless. This is how I know he is never far away. 

This year has been full of tears, sorrow, mourning, and smiles, laughter and memories. 

We have been given a special gift in Liam. How I wish things were different, how I wish I could be planning a huge birthday party, and man would I give him the biggest birthday cake that I could find, and yea, I would allow him to be covered in it too. Just the thought makes me smile and tears fill my eyes. 

The firsts are the hardest I know, the firsts of him and what I am missing is what I crave, what I dream of.  

We are having a birthday party for him the best way we know.  To celebrate his life and I will continue to have one every year on his day. August 27th is his. The day we got  to meet our very own Superhero. 

All I ask from you is On Tuesday wish him a very Happy birthday.  I know the love from all of you runs deep for him.  I want him to know he is loved and missed and that he will never be forgotten. 

(Oh yea, I have asked Corey Monteith aka Finn Hudson from Glee to sing Happy Birthday to him as he is surrounded by all of our loved ones that have gone before us.  Now that's a sight I can't wait to see!!!!!!) 

Columbus Bound

Chris, Parker and I went to visit my sister Dana, my brother-in-law Jeff and my sweet nephew Bryson.  

Fun filled weekend full of pool time, dinner and Bryson's first movie Monster University.

Sunday started out with a bang to the Columbus zoo. What a great place, the nicest zoo we have ever been too.  

You know of course, everything that we do we try to see it through Liam's eyes. We want him to get to experience all things.  Chris and I promised each other that we wanted to share the world with him. Have him be a piece of us and be with us everywhere we go. He deserves it.  He might not be here in person but he is here walking with us.  Some people might think we are crazy but we ask "Liam did you like that?"   We know he is smiling as we are. He is our son and God knows how much we want to experience our life with him and show him things and the only way to do that is keeping his spirit alive through us.  

The most special part of our weekend was for Christopher. He did it, he actually got his tattoo to represent Liam.  I got mine on New Year's Eve to represent that year for Liam Kent Sugar. Chris got his to represent his Father's Day. A day that we love our daddy's extra hard. A piece of Liam on Chris to remind him how special of a father and son bond that they will always have. 

An 1 1/2 long sitting in that chair, And Chris took it like a champ.  When I asked him how he got through it, he said "when the pain got to be to much, he would close his eyes and see Liam staring at him." That's a true meaning of what a father is and how much Liam means to him.  What a courageous man, the love of my life, and a father and husband that goes up and beyond to carry us through this journey. Chris has been wanting this for so long and I am so happy that this day finally came. An exact size and replica of what is on Liam's headstone. A symbol that was given to us from a special lady to represent Liam as he was and as he is now

  A lifetime of memories for us to have and a lifetime of permanent ink on our bodies.

  I love you Christopher. You are amazing and Liam is so proud to have you as his daddy!  

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you special moms out there. I especially pray for us moms that our children are not here. Mother's Day is a day were we give thanks and remember our moms for all that they do for us. Our moms mean everything to us and they should be celebrated everyday but on this day it's their day. A day to stop and say Mom, I love you and you mean everything to me. Thank you for all that you do!!

Mine this year is different, I am a mom to Liam Kent Sugar but unfortunately he is not here with me on this earth. If only things can be different, but in the words of my amazing mother...if you can't be the one to take care of your child who else would you want to take care of your child but Jesus. That's my strength. That's my courage. That's my will to get through this challenge I have been given.
The kind words I am given from all of you are humbling but on a day like today, its a struggle.

On this Mother's Day, thanks to Gianna's light, Chris and I and our families joined in a balloon release to remember Liam and all the other sweet angel babies.
As we let go of our blue, pink and yellow balloons we all became one. One in the fact that we all share the pain of knowing love lost.
I met people and families that share in the same grief that we do. I pray for strength, comfort, courage and happiness to all of you! Thank you to those that introduced yourself to us. That meant everything to me. Our angels, are with us always and we will always be mother's to them. That can never be taken away.
Special shout out and love to:
Our superhero angel Liam, my amazing cousin Katie, sweet baby Zoey, precious Gianna, Elizabeth's beautiful baby boy, the perfect triplet babies, gorgeous Eli, sweet little Christian, Lily Grace and all the other children that have gone to heaven before us, WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY!!

Much love to all on this day and everyday.
Xoxo

It's all for him

Have you ever experienced a moment when you are happy and heart broken at the same time. I experience this everyday, like when you go about your normal day, or when you go away and enjoy yourself or when you are doing something that just makes you smile but the heartache is still there. It will always be there. The tears stream down for what we have lost but the smiles come when you think of that precious little boy that you have made. That feeling that never goes away like you can't take a deep breath but you still continue to enjoy the people you love the most and the fun times that you make for yourself. I have said it before and I will say it again. Chris and I live to make Liam proud of us. We go about our days trying not to remember the bad days but remember those moments that we cherish. To celebrate our son, to enjoy our memories. To laugh, smile, experience things the way Liam would want us.
Today was one of those days were I was elated but devastated all in one.
Liam's headstone was placed at his site. I received the call and headed right over there. In that moment when I saw his headstone I smiled and cried at once. I am so happy that my amazing little boy finally received his monument. One he deserves. That piece that was cemented where he is laid to rest for eternity. One that represents him and how amazing of a baby he was and still is. My heart was happy and crushed all in one. When I stood over his site I became overwhelmed.
How can one experience both emotions together?

I don't know how but I do. It's my life now.

I am so happy to finally have this for him but I am sad for what it means. That he is gone and I have a lifetime without him until I get to heaven to see him again.
He deserves nothing but the best and this is one thing Chris and I can give him to memorialize his life. It is a beautiful monument for him. I want to share it with all of you. It's amazing just like him.
Xoxo.

What a difference a year can make

One year ago today was that dreadful day when Chris and I heard that our baby was sick. Two weeks prior we had had the overwhelming joy of finding out our baby would be a boy but then On that day, April 11, 2012 was a day that we will never forget. Liam was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect. Our world came crashing down. So much information that we could not digest in one office visit. Never expecting to hear the words something is wrong with your sons heart. Not knowing how bad it actually was for a few more weeks but All Chris and I felt in that moment on this day one year ago, was we were in so much love with this baby, one that we have never met, one that we haven't even named yet and we might not even get the chance to hold him, kiss him, tell him how much we love him, and never watch him grow and go through all the milestones that a family should.
After the dust began to settle and Chris and I were able to think clearly, we knew in our hearts, and through our prayers that we would do all we could to fight for our son. Even if it meant going through so much heartache, he deserved that chance. A chance of life, to be loved, and to be a little boy. God had others plans for Liam, but he gave us 78 days to love him, hold him, kiss him and tell him how much we love him. One thing that I will always cherish was knowing we had him for longer. I carried him for 39 weeks I kept him alive, he lived through me and my body. We got to feel him kick, and trust me I felt him kick.. I knew he would be tough just by experiencing those nights. We got to see him on ultrasound weekly, hear his heart beat, watch him hiccup, see the changes in him as he grew week by week. That is ours, ours to have.

I look back on this year and remember all of it. Some moments so vividly were my heart aches, were my sadness is so overwhelming, or those moments were I would love to the depths of my soul for this precious little being and smile.
My relationships have grown so much over this year. My faith in God, got me through, and still continues to be my lifeline. Our families and our friends who have endured with us in our pain and have walked this journey loving us and all the others that have reached out to us. Chris and I would not be surviving even now a year later without those things.
How much one year can change your life forever. Never to take life for granted or never forget to cherish what is important to you. How in one year I gained the bravest, strongest and most beautiful little boy and then lost him in that same year. Our angel, destined to be in heaven, always to watch over us and to make a difference in his short life. Chris and I have had the best and the worst year but we continue to stay strong for Liam. To make him proud of us as we are proud of him.
One of my favorite books that I read to Liam "Bedtime Bible Stories" says
Psalm 56:11. I trust in God, I will not be afraid.
No matter what comes your way big or small, say a prayer, trust in God, and stand up tall. You can face anything: God's on your side. Put on your courage and don't ever hide..