November 12,2012 at 6:59pm. Liam took his last breath. The sequence of that day will always be burned in my brain. Tubes were removed. Ventilation was taken out. Chris and I shared one seat and they place our baby in our arms. His eyes were already closed. His breathing was minimal. It took only a few short minutes before his heart stopped. That heart that fought for 78 days. That heart just didn’t work right but it loved unconditionally. I felt his last breath. His last gasp. I continued to talk to him telling him it was ok and that I would see him again someday. I told him it was time to rest. No harder words were spoken on that day. After it was confirmed he was gone, I remember looking up. Blinded through my tears I searched for my mom. she was there in an instant but then I realized Liam’s room was full of many people. Not just our families but nurses,doctors, O2 therapists. Aides, and a cute little social worker. People were actually in the hall way looking in. I was in awe that we all just shared in the loss of the greatest treasure. A true Superhero. A soul that was gone to soon. But in those days he was loved more then anything and loved by everyone. Each and every person that was apart of his journey felt that heartbreak on that day and continue to feel heartache. . I truly know the meaning of Ur heart is breaking. I piece of mine is forever missing.
We say it all the time and I will say it till I am gone but he changed lives. He changed people. He made us better. I will continue to share him. Seven years have gone by and I can still feel him. Remember how he used to look at me. I can replay moment by moment in my head. I don’t spend my time reliving these bad moments but I like to spend my time remembering how truly amazing he really was. A lot of love was in that room at PCTU.
I miss him in every moment of everyday. Days like today are my hardest. When I feel the lowest. Sometime u just want to feel sorry for urself. But I am a true child of God and I trust my faith in him. Liam is here. Through chris and I. Through Jaxson. Through all my God Winks. I continue to see 333 everyday. That is my reminder. My survival. He is not gone just waiting.
Jerimehiah 33:3. Call onto God and he will show you great and powerful things.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Friday, August 23, 2019
Family of 3
I have not been on blogger in 5 years. I am back today because I have learned that my healing process consists of sharing my words.
I have always been an open book. We decided to share Liam’s story seven years ago and I have no regrets. My angel changed lives, saved people and brought them to their knees literally all over the world. I am honored I made him known to everyone. People love him and all these years later they still do. I am beyond grateful for that.
In 2014, I lost Oliver at 18 weeks gestation. Having to go through delivery and seeing what a baby looks like half way through a pregnancy will make you think about life. And how precious we all are. And how wonderful Gods creation truly is.
In 2016, The Lord blessed me with a healthy beautiful little boy. He is my rainbow baby. He is loving, active, happy, tantrum throwing 3 year old, He is love of all things cars, trucks and balls. He is my world and he is the one that made me a mother here on earth.
He is not a typical three year old. His speech does not come easy for him. He is unable to communicate like other three year olds. He works hard for his words. He gets speech therapy 2-3 times a week. He is in a program that has gifted him with so many opportunities to help him and learn. He is special. He is my blessing. He is mine and the Lord granted me the greatest gift to be his mom
I thought I was ready. I thought Jaxson was on a good enough track that maybe trying for another child would be right. I want him to have siblings. I want him to experience it all. Me being a middle of two sisters is the best. They are my best friends, we share everything, we make fun of our parents together, we laugh together, we cry together, we love each other’s husbands and children unconditionally. I want Jaxson to experience the same.
You think when u see the positive pregnancy test it’s end game. You are in it for 9 months. Your life is about to drastically change. Everything you know is going to be different. But a beautiful different an incredible change.
Until you hear no heart beat. Until you go back for the second time and still no heart beat. So here I sit in the hospital Waiting to get a D&C. My fears are high. My vulnerability is there. I have lived my life through Faith. God has never left me through all 4 pregnancy. They have all been different with all different outcomes. But here Chris and I still stand. We still fight. Some days are harder then others but we walk together. A family of 3.
I am writing this for myself. I will share it because it’s what I do. Support, prayers and love carry us through mountains and valleys of life.
If anything can come from this post is maybe I can remind someone that they are not alone. We all have a story. Some of us our tested more then others. But with love and support of family, friends and Faith we can all survive.
I have always been an open book. We decided to share Liam’s story seven years ago and I have no regrets. My angel changed lives, saved people and brought them to their knees literally all over the world. I am honored I made him known to everyone. People love him and all these years later they still do. I am beyond grateful for that.
In 2014, I lost Oliver at 18 weeks gestation. Having to go through delivery and seeing what a baby looks like half way through a pregnancy will make you think about life. And how precious we all are. And how wonderful Gods creation truly is.
In 2016, The Lord blessed me with a healthy beautiful little boy. He is my rainbow baby. He is loving, active, happy, tantrum throwing 3 year old, He is love of all things cars, trucks and balls. He is my world and he is the one that made me a mother here on earth.
He is not a typical three year old. His speech does not come easy for him. He is unable to communicate like other three year olds. He works hard for his words. He gets speech therapy 2-3 times a week. He is in a program that has gifted him with so many opportunities to help him and learn. He is special. He is my blessing. He is mine and the Lord granted me the greatest gift to be his mom
I thought I was ready. I thought Jaxson was on a good enough track that maybe trying for another child would be right. I want him to have siblings. I want him to experience it all. Me being a middle of two sisters is the best. They are my best friends, we share everything, we make fun of our parents together, we laugh together, we cry together, we love each other’s husbands and children unconditionally. I want Jaxson to experience the same.
You think when u see the positive pregnancy test it’s end game. You are in it for 9 months. Your life is about to drastically change. Everything you know is going to be different. But a beautiful different an incredible change.
Until you hear no heart beat. Until you go back for the second time and still no heart beat. So here I sit in the hospital Waiting to get a D&C. My fears are high. My vulnerability is there. I have lived my life through Faith. God has never left me through all 4 pregnancy. They have all been different with all different outcomes. But here Chris and I still stand. We still fight. Some days are harder then others but we walk together. A family of 3.
I am writing this for myself. I will share it because it’s what I do. Support, prayers and love carry us through mountains and valleys of life.
If anything can come from this post is maybe I can remind someone that they are not alone. We all have a story. Some of us our tested more then others. But with love and support of family, friends and Faith we can all survive.
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