The firsts are the hardest

Chris and I have made it through our first Christmas without Liam. It was very hard with many moments of sadness and tears shed for what we have loss. With much help from the ones we love, we managed to get by. When the overwhelming urge to cry comes it becomes a constant stream of tears that cannot be held within. Even if its at Christmas Eve service when the church choir sings or when you see that little boy and or little girl being held by their mommy and daddy or even when you wake on Christmas morning to the truth of knowing we will never have him to know about Santa or to watch him open his presents. Those are the moments that you feel like your world is suffocating you. For those of you who have lost a child I felt what you felt at those moments. I pray for comfort and peace always for Chris and I, and our families and friends and for all of those mourning over a loss. But he celebrated Christmas in heaven with the one we celebrate. Our Father. You cannot ask for more. If he could not be with us on this holiday I am blessed knowing he was being held by our Jesus. Loving him as much as we do.

I have received from a dear friend of mine Theresa a few books recently. "Heaven is for Real" written by a four year olds father about his trip to heaven. This little boy was near death after a ruptured appendix and had to have emergency surgery. In this book, over a few years time he made comments to his parents about his trip to heaven and what he saw and who he met. He knew things that no four year old should know unless he saw it with his own eyes. I loved this book. I recommend it to everyone. It helps paint a picture of what heaven is like.
One main point I took out of this book was the little boy told his mommy. I have two sisters and his mom got very sad, he only had one living sister but something she had never told him was she miscarried early on in her pregnancy. She did not know her baby was a girl. Just from hearing her son say that was amazing. He told his mom that his sister said to him. " I cannot wait to see my mommy and daddy!"
That would bring anybody to their knees to believe that heaven is for real. I feel Liam saying that, there is no time in heaven and he can see us and is waiting for us to get there.
I also read, I will carry you by Angie Smith. This is a book that I felt while reading, this-lady was specifically writing to me.
She was diagnosed in her early pregnancy about her daughter Audrey unable to survive life. They decided to carry her to term. She survived two hours before passing and that precious little girl spent her time her on earth being extremely loved. . I would like to share a few comments she wrote that I feel so connected to.
Angie Smith wrote......"God had so much more planned for your life then what we could have ever imagined". I believe that for Liam too. He brought so many to love, to prayer, to hold tightly to the ones we love, to connect so many of us with each other. Children bring us so much love so much joy but others show us what is important. Others bring us back to remember why we live and why we believe.
"The lord gave us a lifetime of memories in such a short time, I knew you would be apart of us always"-Angie Smith. We have more memories to hold onto. Liam endured a lot in his short life but he gave us those moments were we will cherish forever.
"Do I believe my baby is in heaven? Yes but sometimes it is not easy when you have empty arms and your baby is an unreachable place.. That is why we call it faith"- Angie Smith.
Angie also wrote "it's really a delicate balance between letting yourself grieve the way you need to and functioning in a world that keeps reminding you of what you have lost". So true...we grieve, we cry, we laugh, we hold onto what helps us.
I loved this book, for all those who believe in God and/or lost a child. I recommend this book. She shows sadness and grief, and sorrow all in one book. But she also feels the presence of God and that's what gets here through her dark days. Angie and I have the same outlook.
"Trust in The Lord with all of your heart, and lean not your own understanding. But in all ways submit to him and he will make your path straight. -Proverbs 3 5-6
Angie Smith wrote a letter to her daughter, it was such an amazing way to tell her how she feels. Writing on paper is easier then saying the words. This blog has been my journal and my coping mechanism through our journey. I thought it to be helpful, so here goes......

My sweet Liam,
The one with large beautiful eyes, the one who brought so much joy and love into our lives. I miss you and cry over you everyday. I fight harder in this life because of you, my faith in God is stronger because of you, my love, my heart, my everything is better because of you. You have changed your mommy and daddy forever. We received your handprint on charms from your Aunt Dana, we wear them around our necks everyday. They are engraved with your name, your birthdate and the saying..."keep me in your heart, and I will stay there forever". You will always be there and when that day comes when I get to wrap my arms around you again will be beyond words. Just saying that brings tears to my eyes and a smile on my face. I look forward to that day. You will always be my little boy, my first born, my will to push forward in this life. You brought so many back to prayer, to hold onto their faith. I am so proud of you and all that you stand for. Me and daddy love you so much. This place lost an amazing little boy but heaven received an amazing angel. God, thank you for letting me be his mommy, thank you for letting me get to know him, to love him and share him with the world. Even if he was meant to come to you early, he showed us the way we want to live our life. I am blessed to say he was my son........

So many of you have reached out to Chris and I and sent us beautiful gifts or donated to us. I thank you deeply. Other people have reached out to see what they can do for us. Chris and I need nothing. Your love, prayers and support mean everything. There are other families in need that do not have the support we do. We would like to extend the invitation to donate to those who need it. The University of Michigan is where we spent almost 3 months of our life. For those of you who would like to give, I thank you. Here is how.... This is a family hope fund, that gives lodging, gas cards or money for food etc..
We can donate to this fund in Liam's name by writing a check to the Family Hope Fund. Code 315580. Write in memory of Liam Kent Sugar in memo or how you seem fit. So they can distribute to families in his name.
Mail to:
Therese Apostoleris, Development officer
Children and Women Health, The University of Michigan Health System
1000 Oakbrooke Drive Suite 100
Ann Arbor MI, 48104

Thank you to all!! Have a safe and Happy New Year!!!
Much love,
Angie

For the world to see

These blogs are my journal that i have opened up to the world to see. I am blessed to have created one, for all of you to have had the experience of loving Liam or getting to know Chris and I. They are just my feelings that I like to share. I am grateful for all of you that follow!

Every morning I open my eyes and I pray. I pray for strength to get me through the day. I pray for Liam to always be with me. I pray for all those families that have to go through the holiday season with the grief of loved ones we have lost. There are so many of us that share in the loss.
It's been almost six weeks since Liam left this earth and there are days were I am ok and others that I feel the overwhelming urge to cry all day. I have returned to work a few days a week and its been hard. I never realized how many people would not know about Liam's passing. They are mean well, when asking how the baby is doing but it becomes emotionally exhausting having to tell his story over and over.
I miss him so much and the sadness is still so raw but I get comfort at the thought of heaven.
The school shooting broke my heart. As I think about the families that have to deal with such devastation. I feel for all that deal with such loss. We are connected by the sadness and tears but I know God walks with us and on our hard days he carries us.
Chris and I feel bittersweet about Christmas this year. The true meaning of Christmas means so much more. We will be surrounded by our families and friends to celebrate this time of year but I am not going to lie, I want to sleep the next five days always and pretend that none of it happened. But God made us strong and we do not live our lives like that. We are not wired to crawl up and hide, we want to celebrate our son and what he stood for. We want to watch Bryson open all of his presents from Santa, we want to watch our families enjoy their presents we bought for them. It is the power of giving, the power of love. Chris and I feel that if Liam was strong enough to fight then so should we.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Much love from me to you!

Lets give to the ones who need it

With Christmas coming we never realize how many children have to spend their holidays in the hospital. A wonderful couple Dean and Megan Stevens have set up a donation program to give toys to them. I love these programs because they hit me hard especially knowing how these families feel not being home during these times. For whoever wants to give back to those who need it this is a great way to make those children feel special. I can only imagine their faces when they get a present to open on Christmas Day!
Brighten up for the Kids is a program that they created in 2010 to give to Akron's Children Hospital in Mahoning Valley.
All donations to be dropped off at Youngstown Cycle Supply on Market Street. They will be collecting till Dec 22nd.
Thank you all for your enormous hearts and love!

One day at a time

Chris and I continue to take one day at a time. With Christmas right around the corner, I have a pit in my stomach as each day it comes near but I know Liam would want us to enjoy the season as if he was here! My heart continues to ache as each moment passes and I know that it will never go away. But I also now it's there to remind me of him until I get to see him again someday.
Going to the site where he is laid to rest is a place of peace that we visit everyday. So many come to visit and bring him new things and I am so very blessed that everyone loves him so much. Writing my blog was one of the best decisions I have made. Not only to help me cope with my feelings but to have all of you get to know him and love him so much. Our journey had so many ups and downs but everyday he was here with us on earth was the best days of my life. I am still not able to go back and read each post and relive it again but knowing its there to capture his life was a blessing in its own. I hope his life will help give comfort to someone else going through similar situations with a congenital heart defect or even someone else who has lost a child or even bring us all back to realize what is important in life. I never realized how many others have lost a child. My heart breaks for all of them since knowing how they feel. But they would probably all agree when I say.... Even though he is not here with us and I don't get to see him each day and watch him grow. I am still a mother to a beautiful baby boy. Even when Chris and I decide to try again to have more children he will always be our first and they will know everything about their big brother. If anyone asks if we have children I will always say yes. I never want to shut down and pretend none of it happened. I would do it all over again if I could.
Today Chris and are setting up a Christmas tree at Liam's site so he can experience the joy of this time of year. I also feel like it will remind Chris and I what Christmas is truly about.
Thank you to all that gives Chris and I the strength to get through our days.


This was posted on my blog and I love it. Thank you to whoever sent it. These are the things that help me cope. Love from all of you and love from our God above!!

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby This we know is true.'
But God, can you be a Mother When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day And you know you're the best one!



Posted by Anonymous to Our Superhero's Journey at November 24, 2012 3:44 AM