The firsts are the hardest

Chris and I have made it through our first Christmas without Liam. It was very hard with many moments of sadness and tears shed for what we have loss. With much help from the ones we love, we managed to get by. When the overwhelming urge to cry comes it becomes a constant stream of tears that cannot be held within. Even if its at Christmas Eve service when the church choir sings or when you see that little boy and or little girl being held by their mommy and daddy or even when you wake on Christmas morning to the truth of knowing we will never have him to know about Santa or to watch him open his presents. Those are the moments that you feel like your world is suffocating you. For those of you who have lost a child I felt what you felt at those moments. I pray for comfort and peace always for Chris and I, and our families and friends and for all of those mourning over a loss. But he celebrated Christmas in heaven with the one we celebrate. Our Father. You cannot ask for more. If he could not be with us on this holiday I am blessed knowing he was being held by our Jesus. Loving him as much as we do.

I have received from a dear friend of mine Theresa a few books recently. "Heaven is for Real" written by a four year olds father about his trip to heaven. This little boy was near death after a ruptured appendix and had to have emergency surgery. In this book, over a few years time he made comments to his parents about his trip to heaven and what he saw and who he met. He knew things that no four year old should know unless he saw it with his own eyes. I loved this book. I recommend it to everyone. It helps paint a picture of what heaven is like.
One main point I took out of this book was the little boy told his mommy. I have two sisters and his mom got very sad, he only had one living sister but something she had never told him was she miscarried early on in her pregnancy. She did not know her baby was a girl. Just from hearing her son say that was amazing. He told his mom that his sister said to him. " I cannot wait to see my mommy and daddy!"
That would bring anybody to their knees to believe that heaven is for real. I feel Liam saying that, there is no time in heaven and he can see us and is waiting for us to get there.
I also read, I will carry you by Angie Smith. This is a book that I felt while reading, this-lady was specifically writing to me.
She was diagnosed in her early pregnancy about her daughter Audrey unable to survive life. They decided to carry her to term. She survived two hours before passing and that precious little girl spent her time her on earth being extremely loved. . I would like to share a few comments she wrote that I feel so connected to.
Angie Smith wrote......"God had so much more planned for your life then what we could have ever imagined". I believe that for Liam too. He brought so many to love, to prayer, to hold tightly to the ones we love, to connect so many of us with each other. Children bring us so much love so much joy but others show us what is important. Others bring us back to remember why we live and why we believe.
"The lord gave us a lifetime of memories in such a short time, I knew you would be apart of us always"-Angie Smith. We have more memories to hold onto. Liam endured a lot in his short life but he gave us those moments were we will cherish forever.
"Do I believe my baby is in heaven? Yes but sometimes it is not easy when you have empty arms and your baby is an unreachable place.. That is why we call it faith"- Angie Smith.
Angie also wrote "it's really a delicate balance between letting yourself grieve the way you need to and functioning in a world that keeps reminding you of what you have lost". So true...we grieve, we cry, we laugh, we hold onto what helps us.
I loved this book, for all those who believe in God and/or lost a child. I recommend this book. She shows sadness and grief, and sorrow all in one book. But she also feels the presence of God and that's what gets here through her dark days. Angie and I have the same outlook.
"Trust in The Lord with all of your heart, and lean not your own understanding. But in all ways submit to him and he will make your path straight. -Proverbs 3 5-6
Angie Smith wrote a letter to her daughter, it was such an amazing way to tell her how she feels. Writing on paper is easier then saying the words. This blog has been my journal and my coping mechanism through our journey. I thought it to be helpful, so here goes......

My sweet Liam,
The one with large beautiful eyes, the one who brought so much joy and love into our lives. I miss you and cry over you everyday. I fight harder in this life because of you, my faith in God is stronger because of you, my love, my heart, my everything is better because of you. You have changed your mommy and daddy forever. We received your handprint on charms from your Aunt Dana, we wear them around our necks everyday. They are engraved with your name, your birthdate and the saying..."keep me in your heart, and I will stay there forever". You will always be there and when that day comes when I get to wrap my arms around you again will be beyond words. Just saying that brings tears to my eyes and a smile on my face. I look forward to that day. You will always be my little boy, my first born, my will to push forward in this life. You brought so many back to prayer, to hold onto their faith. I am so proud of you and all that you stand for. Me and daddy love you so much. This place lost an amazing little boy but heaven received an amazing angel. God, thank you for letting me be his mommy, thank you for letting me get to know him, to love him and share him with the world. Even if he was meant to come to you early, he showed us the way we want to live our life. I am blessed to say he was my son........

So many of you have reached out to Chris and I and sent us beautiful gifts or donated to us. I thank you deeply. Other people have reached out to see what they can do for us. Chris and I need nothing. Your love, prayers and support mean everything. There are other families in need that do not have the support we do. We would like to extend the invitation to donate to those who need it. The University of Michigan is where we spent almost 3 months of our life. For those of you who would like to give, I thank you. Here is how.... This is a family hope fund, that gives lodging, gas cards or money for food etc..
We can donate to this fund in Liam's name by writing a check to the Family Hope Fund. Code 315580. Write in memory of Liam Kent Sugar in memo or how you seem fit. So they can distribute to families in his name.
Mail to:
Therese Apostoleris, Development officer
Children and Women Health, The University of Michigan Health System
1000 Oakbrooke Drive Suite 100
Ann Arbor MI, 48104

Thank you to all!! Have a safe and Happy New Year!!!
Much love,
Angie