Columbus Bound

Chris, Parker and I went to visit my sister Dana, my brother-in-law Jeff and my sweet nephew Bryson.  

Fun filled weekend full of pool time, dinner and Bryson's first movie Monster University.

Sunday started out with a bang to the Columbus zoo. What a great place, the nicest zoo we have ever been too.  

You know of course, everything that we do we try to see it through Liam's eyes. We want him to get to experience all things.  Chris and I promised each other that we wanted to share the world with him. Have him be a piece of us and be with us everywhere we go. He deserves it.  He might not be here in person but he is here walking with us.  Some people might think we are crazy but we ask "Liam did you like that?"   We know he is smiling as we are. He is our son and God knows how much we want to experience our life with him and show him things and the only way to do that is keeping his spirit alive through us.  

The most special part of our weekend was for Christopher. He did it, he actually got his tattoo to represent Liam.  I got mine on New Year's Eve to represent that year for Liam Kent Sugar. Chris got his to represent his Father's Day. A day that we love our daddy's extra hard. A piece of Liam on Chris to remind him how special of a father and son bond that they will always have. 

An 1 1/2 long sitting in that chair, And Chris took it like a champ.  When I asked him how he got through it, he said "when the pain got to be to much, he would close his eyes and see Liam staring at him." That's a true meaning of what a father is and how much Liam means to him.  What a courageous man, the love of my life, and a father and husband that goes up and beyond to carry us through this journey. Chris has been wanting this for so long and I am so happy that this day finally came. An exact size and replica of what is on Liam's headstone. A symbol that was given to us from a special lady to represent Liam as he was and as he is now

  A lifetime of memories for us to have and a lifetime of permanent ink on our bodies.

  I love you Christopher. You are amazing and Liam is so proud to have you as his daddy!  

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you special moms out there. I especially pray for us moms that our children are not here. Mother's Day is a day were we give thanks and remember our moms for all that they do for us. Our moms mean everything to us and they should be celebrated everyday but on this day it's their day. A day to stop and say Mom, I love you and you mean everything to me. Thank you for all that you do!!

Mine this year is different, I am a mom to Liam Kent Sugar but unfortunately he is not here with me on this earth. If only things can be different, but in the words of my amazing mother...if you can't be the one to take care of your child who else would you want to take care of your child but Jesus. That's my strength. That's my courage. That's my will to get through this challenge I have been given.
The kind words I am given from all of you are humbling but on a day like today, its a struggle.

On this Mother's Day, thanks to Gianna's light, Chris and I and our families joined in a balloon release to remember Liam and all the other sweet angel babies.
As we let go of our blue, pink and yellow balloons we all became one. One in the fact that we all share the pain of knowing love lost.
I met people and families that share in the same grief that we do. I pray for strength, comfort, courage and happiness to all of you! Thank you to those that introduced yourself to us. That meant everything to me. Our angels, are with us always and we will always be mother's to them. That can never be taken away.
Special shout out and love to:
Our superhero angel Liam, my amazing cousin Katie, sweet baby Zoey, precious Gianna, Elizabeth's beautiful baby boy, the perfect triplet babies, gorgeous Eli, sweet little Christian, Lily Grace and all the other children that have gone to heaven before us, WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY!!

Much love to all on this day and everyday.
Xoxo

It's all for him

Have you ever experienced a moment when you are happy and heart broken at the same time. I experience this everyday, like when you go about your normal day, or when you go away and enjoy yourself or when you are doing something that just makes you smile but the heartache is still there. It will always be there. The tears stream down for what we have lost but the smiles come when you think of that precious little boy that you have made. That feeling that never goes away like you can't take a deep breath but you still continue to enjoy the people you love the most and the fun times that you make for yourself. I have said it before and I will say it again. Chris and I live to make Liam proud of us. We go about our days trying not to remember the bad days but remember those moments that we cherish. To celebrate our son, to enjoy our memories. To laugh, smile, experience things the way Liam would want us.
Today was one of those days were I was elated but devastated all in one.
Liam's headstone was placed at his site. I received the call and headed right over there. In that moment when I saw his headstone I smiled and cried at once. I am so happy that my amazing little boy finally received his monument. One he deserves. That piece that was cemented where he is laid to rest for eternity. One that represents him and how amazing of a baby he was and still is. My heart was happy and crushed all in one. When I stood over his site I became overwhelmed.
How can one experience both emotions together?

I don't know how but I do. It's my life now.

I am so happy to finally have this for him but I am sad for what it means. That he is gone and I have a lifetime without him until I get to heaven to see him again.
He deserves nothing but the best and this is one thing Chris and I can give him to memorialize his life. It is a beautiful monument for him. I want to share it with all of you. It's amazing just like him.
Xoxo.

What a difference a year can make

One year ago today was that dreadful day when Chris and I heard that our baby was sick. Two weeks prior we had had the overwhelming joy of finding out our baby would be a boy but then On that day, April 11, 2012 was a day that we will never forget. Liam was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect. Our world came crashing down. So much information that we could not digest in one office visit. Never expecting to hear the words something is wrong with your sons heart. Not knowing how bad it actually was for a few more weeks but All Chris and I felt in that moment on this day one year ago, was we were in so much love with this baby, one that we have never met, one that we haven't even named yet and we might not even get the chance to hold him, kiss him, tell him how much we love him, and never watch him grow and go through all the milestones that a family should.
After the dust began to settle and Chris and I were able to think clearly, we knew in our hearts, and through our prayers that we would do all we could to fight for our son. Even if it meant going through so much heartache, he deserved that chance. A chance of life, to be loved, and to be a little boy. God had others plans for Liam, but he gave us 78 days to love him, hold him, kiss him and tell him how much we love him. One thing that I will always cherish was knowing we had him for longer. I carried him for 39 weeks I kept him alive, he lived through me and my body. We got to feel him kick, and trust me I felt him kick.. I knew he would be tough just by experiencing those nights. We got to see him on ultrasound weekly, hear his heart beat, watch him hiccup, see the changes in him as he grew week by week. That is ours, ours to have.

I look back on this year and remember all of it. Some moments so vividly were my heart aches, were my sadness is so overwhelming, or those moments were I would love to the depths of my soul for this precious little being and smile.
My relationships have grown so much over this year. My faith in God, got me through, and still continues to be my lifeline. Our families and our friends who have endured with us in our pain and have walked this journey loving us and all the others that have reached out to us. Chris and I would not be surviving even now a year later without those things.
How much one year can change your life forever. Never to take life for granted or never forget to cherish what is important to you. How in one year I gained the bravest, strongest and most beautiful little boy and then lost him in that same year. Our angel, destined to be in heaven, always to watch over us and to make a difference in his short life. Chris and I have had the best and the worst year but we continue to stay strong for Liam. To make him proud of us as we are proud of him.
One of my favorite books that I read to Liam "Bedtime Bible Stories" says
Psalm 56:11. I trust in God, I will not be afraid.
No matter what comes your way big or small, say a prayer, trust in God, and stand up tall. You can face anything: God's on your side. Put on your courage and don't ever hide..

Shamrocks and Shenanigans

Chris and I made a trip to Ann Arbor last weekend. Shamrocks and Shenanigans was a 5k run/walk that helped to raise money for the Save a Heart Foundation. It was a great weekend, I got to see some of my favorite people......
We headed up on Saturday morning, once we got off the exit to Ann Arbor, my heart started to race and felt very emotional. I never thought it would hit me hard but all those emotions and memories came flying back. That was our home for almost three months and the birthplace of my son. It holds a very special place in my heart, not only for those precious memories I hold onto of Liam but for the wonderful people that I have grown to love so much. An overwhelming urge to cry hit me hard but then I looked at my phone and saw Liam's picture and the time said 333. For those of you who have followed my blog through our journey you know the significance of this. A smile came to my face,knowing that was a sign from Liam letting me know it was all going to be ok.
When we initially went up to Ann Arbor I was 39 weeks pregnant in the midst of August. Not a good time to walk the streets to take it all in. So Chris and I walked the streets and enjoyed some great places. Of course our one stop was the cities comic book store and the M Den. Cannot go to the University of Michigan without buying a few things Michigan. Sorry Buckeye fans...
We met for dinner with our dear friends. They are no longer our Nurses, Social Workers, Techs or RT's. They are now our life long friends that I will cherish for always. Chris and I had a great time just enjoying all of them. Thank you Miss Jenny for writing Love to Liam on the ceiling of the Blue Tractor will it will always be for others to see. Thank you all for loving him as much as we do and spending your Saturday night with the Sugar's.
Sunday morning we headed downtown to the race/walk. So many people joined in for a great cause. Everyone decked in green and eager for the days festivities. They shut the streets down in Ann Arbor and we set off to walk the city, so proud of being apart of it.
We got to see so many people that were involved with Liam's care. It was so heartwarming to see some of his doctors and some of the amazing others that went through our journey with us. Chris and I are forever grateful to all of them.. Not only for loving us but for remembering and loving our son...
Of course afterwards we headed to brunch, best way to end our weekend with food, Nurse Wendy, her son James, Miss Nicole, and Nurse CP.
I know Liam was smiling with us all weekend. Celebrating him and his life are all Chris and I know how to do. Who better to do it with then those that knew him best.

To all my friends in Michigan, (ones we got to see and ones we didnt). You all mean the world to Chris and I. You were all apart of our lives for all the ups and downs. Every single one of you helped Liam, Chris and I, and our families get through some of our best times and some of our worse. It was all in Gods plan for you all to be part of our lives. I always say Liam had about 12 moms in that unit and I wouldn't have had it any other way. We love you all. Forever in our hearts, and I know Liam is always watching over all of you too. Thank you for a great weekend. We will see you all soon!! Xoxox.

P.S. To my sweet cousin Katie, Happy Birthday to what would have been your 33rd birthday on Wednesday March 13. We miss you so much. But we know you are up there in heaven watching over all of us and holding my little boy. Singing him lullabies and probably never letting him go. You are a beautiful person inside and out and we love you always. Take care of my little boy until I get there. I cannot wait to see you both again!

What hurts the most....

Last night I went to The Band Perry and Rascal Flatts concert with some of my favorite people. We had so much fun. It's really nice to be able to go places and have a smile on your face, knowing in your heart that you do things like this to make your son proud of you. That's what we did. But what is a Rascal Flatts concert, great people and alcohol without a few tears being shed. That's ok too. Liam watches over me and says that's ok too mom. For those of you who know Rascal Flatts, you know they put on an awesome concert and their lyrics are so touching.
Especially the song, What Hurts the Most.....
For those who don't know it, I would like to share them with you.
For those who have lost someone, you will feel these words like they are your anthem... I do

WHAT HURTS THE MOST
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

I love you all! Have a great weekend, that's ok too. If you feel sad just think of the ones we have lost and make them proud of us. But a good cry is good too. Trust me I know.

February is Heart Awareness

Liam was born with a very rare congenital heart defect. His prognosis was poor but we chose to fight for him. He was born Aug 27th and he fought hard until his very last breath. We were blessed to have him for 78 wonderful, amazing days. All the Tears, all the heartache was worth it, it still continues to be worth it. I met my hero the day he was born. When Chris and I made that decision to go forth with the pregnancy and delivery that amazing little boy, I learned and experienced more then anyone should in their lifetime. But I never realized how many parents go through the same thing. Until you see it with your own eyes, or others reach out to you and give their own experiences. You never hear much about Congenital Heart Defects while growing up until it becomes your life, your child's life. Now I want to learn, I want to have the knowledge. I want to help bring awareness.
February is Heart Awareness Month, and Feb 7th thru Feb 14 is Congenital Heart Awareness Week. Each year 1,000,000 babies are born with a heart defect worldwide, 100,000 of them will not survive till their first birthdays. I never thought this would happen in my life, but it has, and I am here now to help spread the word.
This month when you wear red remember those children that are fighting for their lives, or those that have their angel wings.
Thank you for supporting us and continuing to do so. Faith, Family, and Friends is what helps us conquer each day. I read this recently and I instantly fell in love with it.... Courage is fear, with prayers.

Lets do something fun, for all of you who have superhero bracelets or superhero journey t-shirts lets wear them proudly throughout the month. For those of you who do not, wear something that is red. Not only for Liam but for so many other families needing prayers and strength to get through this journey called life.

Xoxo