Seven years

November 12,2012 at 6:59pm.    Liam took his last breath. The sequence of that day will always be burned in my brain.  Tubes were removed. Ventilation was taken out.  Chris and I shared one seat and they place our baby in our arms.  His eyes were already closed. His breathing was minimal.   It took only a few short minutes before his heart stopped. That heart that fought for 78 days.  That heart just didn’t work right but it loved unconditionally.   I felt his last breath. His last gasp.   I continued to talk to him telling him it was ok and that I would see him again someday.  I told him it was time to rest.   No harder words were spoken on that day.    After it was confirmed he was gone, I remember looking up.  Blinded through my tears I searched for my mom. she was there in an instant but then I realized Liam’s room was full of many people.  Not just our families but nurses,doctors, O2 therapists.  Aides, and a cute little social worker.  People were actually in the hall way looking in.  I was in awe that we all just shared  in the loss of the greatest treasure. A true Superhero. A soul that was  gone to soon.  But in those days he was loved more then anything and loved by everyone.  Each and every person that was apart of his journey felt that heartbreak on that day and continue to feel heartache. .  I truly know the meaning of Ur heart is breaking.  I piece of mine is forever missing.  
We say it all the time and I will say it till I am gone but he changed lives. He changed people.  He made us better.  I will continue to share him. Seven years have gone by and I can still feel him.  Remember how he used to look at me.  I can replay moment by moment in my head.  I don’t spend my time reliving these bad moments but I like to spend my time remembering how truly amazing he really was.  A lot of love was in that room at PCTU.
I miss him in every moment of everyday. Days like today are my hardest. When I feel the lowest.  Sometime u just want to feel sorry for urself.   But I am a true child of God and I trust my faith in him.  Liam is here. Through chris and I. Through Jaxson.  Through all my God Winks.  I continue to see 333 everyday.  That is my reminder. My survival.  He is not gone just waiting.

Jerimehiah 33:3.  Call onto God and he will show you great and powerful things.  

Family of 3

I have not been on blogger in 5 years.  I am back today because I have learned that my healing process consists of sharing my words.
I have always been an open book.  We decided to share Liam’s story seven years ago and I have no regrets. My angel changed lives, saved people and brought them to their knees literally all over the world. I am honored  I made him known to everyone. People love him and all these years later they still do.  I am beyond grateful for that.
In 2014, I lost Oliver at 18 weeks gestation.  Having to go through delivery and seeing what a baby looks like half way through a pregnancy will make you think about life. And how precious we all are.  And how wonderful Gods creation truly is.
In 2016, The Lord blessed me with a healthy beautiful little boy.  He is my rainbow baby.  He is loving, active, happy,  tantrum throwing 3 year old,  He is love of all things cars, trucks and balls.  He is my world and he is the one that made me a mother here on earth.
 He is not a typical three year old. His speech does not come easy for him. He is unable to communicate like other three year olds. He works hard for his words. He gets speech therapy 2-3 times a week.  He is in a program that has gifted him with so many opportunities to help him and learn. He is special.  He is my blessing. He is mine and the Lord granted me the greatest gift to be his mom
I thought I was ready.  I thought Jaxson was on a good enough track that maybe trying for another child would be right.  I want him to have siblings.  I want him to experience it all.  Me being a middle of two sisters is the best. They are my best friends, we share everything, we make fun of our parents together, we laugh together, we cry together, we love each other’s husbands and children unconditionally.  I want Jaxson to experience the same.
You think when u see the positive pregnancy test it’s end game.  You are in it for 9 months. Your life is about to drastically change. Everything you know is going to be different. But a beautiful different an incredible change.
Until you hear no heart beat. Until you go back for the second time and still no heart beat.  So here I sit in the hospital Waiting to get a D&C. My fears are high. My vulnerability is there.  I have lived my life through Faith. God has never left me through all 4 pregnancy. They have all been different with all different outcomes. But here Chris and I still stand. We still fight.  Some days are harder then others but we walk together.  A family of 3.
I am writing this for myself.  I will share it because it’s what I do. Support, prayers  and love carry us through mountains and valleys of life.
If anything can come from this post is maybe I can remind someone that they are not alone. We all have a story. Some of us our tested more then others. But with love and support of family, friends and Faith we can all survive.

Oliver Kent Sugar

I don't know how to put into words what I need to say. But when I think about, there is nothing to say. 

All I know is I have felt the comfort of prayer and the strength it gives you to complete a simple task of just getting out of bed in the morning.   

And Chris and I and our families need to feel that prayer now more then ever.  And I know there are so many powerful prayer warriors out there and I am reaching out today for those prayers. 

Oliver Kent Sugar was born Friday, February 28, 2014 at 4:57pm. Weighing in at 5 ounces and 

7 1/2 inches long.  He was so perfect with 10 fingers and 10 toes with a perfect nose and beautiful lips.  He had a resemblance of his big brother Liam which we will cherish for eternity. 

Oliver unfortunately passed away due to a cord accident and because of it our worlds again have been turned upset down.

Our only peace is knowing our two perfect little boys are together spending eternity with each other.

There is always a rainbow after a storm

Almost two years ago, I started this blog to tell the story of Liam's journey.  Starting from his devastating diagnoses of his congenital heart defect to Chris and I trying to survive after losing him.   It's been two years of love, life, laughter, memories, tears, heartache, and mourning.   

Writing this blog was meant for a way for me to express my emotions on paper, kind of like a journal and to Also keep family and friends back home up to date with Liam.   I never would have imagined his journey would turn into something so big.  Even today, two years later I am still in awe of all the people that fell in love with him.  The amount of people who read his journey, Who followed his life and his passing warms my heart.   Having people tell me that they prayed with us, smiled with us and cried with us and of course love Liam and everything he stands for, Means everything to Chris and I. It continues to keep his memory alive and I am grateful.  Those are the moments that continue to keep Chris and I pushing forward. I thank all of you for that. 

Mourning is the hardest part of a humans life. Loss of a loved one breaks us.   The heartache never goes away.  The pain might not be physically apparent to others but if they could see the inside of someone who has experienced such loss they would know

Grieving has a mask.  A mask needed to function in daily life. But Faith in God and knowing he is always with us, Carrying, walking us through the journey of life is that mask.  That mask that hides our pain but shows our strength.  

The Lord God will wipe away all tears

                      Isaiah 25.8 

 I am writing this post today because I have amazing news to share.  

For those of you that know and for the others that don't. God has blessed Chris and I with an additional path.  Liam is going to be a big brother.  

  I am 18 weeks pregnant and yesterday was my anatomy scan and it went very well. 

All major organs look good.  Heart has four chambers and they saw all that was needed to be seen.  I will still need to be seen by a cardiologist for further testing to be sure at the end of this month but knowing this so far has been an answer to our prayers.  Our fears have lifted and we are ready to share it with the world. 

A baby to be born around July 7, one that will have the most amazing angel to watch over. Our family continues to grow and our love expands from heaven to earth for both our children. 

There is always a rainbow after a storm. 

                  And God is good!!  

 P.s.   ITS A BOY!!!!!!!!   

Gotta love some Ink!!!

We spent this weekend with my family.  Celebrating Amanda's graduation. Yay... Amanda.  We are so proud of you.  You have worked so hard and you deserve the world.   

Since we all went to Columbus we decided a trip to the tattoo parlor was a great idea.  

Dad, Dana, and Amanda all got symbolization of Liam permanently on their bodies. 

Dad, representing our superhero with the heart S on his calf

Dana, a cross with a heart on her wrist representing faith in The Lord above. 

Amanda, a new beginnings symbol with a heart on her wrist representing her next chapter in life with Liam always being apart of it. 

They are all so awesome and beautifully done!! Xoxox

CandleLighting

Thank you to Gianna's light for hosting a beautiful candlighting ceremony to help us remember our babies that have gone to heaven before us on this Child Loss Remembrance Day. 

Liam and so many other babies that are missed dearly were celebrated tonight.  Hope your candles were lit. I know all of ours were. 

A Walk to Remember.

October is Child Loss Awareness Month. A month were many remember their children with special events that touch our hearts. Even though us parents live with our loss everyday and shed tears on a regular basis, these moments create memories for us to hold on to. Ones were we can celebrate and remember our children and be around others that understand and know our pain.  

In this month on Oct 12 2013, marks 11 months since Liam left this world.  It doesn't seem real that he has been gone for so long. It's been harder for Chris and I since his birthday.  I believe its just knowing a year ago, he was here and we were living in Ann Arbor and also realizing that the day he left us is approaching. 

But yesterday we shed many tears and many smiles because we spent the day at his birthplace, Ann Arbor, Michigan.  

C.S. Mott's invited us to a Walk to Remember/Tree planting Ceremony.  A beautiful fall day spent walking a beautiful path surrounded by color changing trees and a soft river to a place where every year Mott's Hosptial plants a tree and creates a beautiful ceremony in honor of the children lost.   

Chris and I and our families walked this area many times in our 3 month stay in Michigan, it truly is a beautiful, serene place with benches were you can sit and watch the river.  I have many significant memories there.  A lot of soul searching, decision making and prayers being done in those times but now knowing we walked by those trees and never paid attention to what they meant really touches our hearts.   

Not only did Chris and I get to spend the day with Liam but we spent it with our families, our immediate and our Michigan ones.  Nothing better then being back there and seeing their faces again.  They are a part of lives forever.  Our time here on earth with Liam was a time with all of them.  Even though we were unable to see everyone and have my sisters here we knew everyone was here in spirit and we missed them.  

To Nicole, Wendy, Jenny, Julie and Angela.... Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to spend some time with us.  We love you so very very much.  

  My heart seems fuller when I am in  Michigan.  Even though there is the ache of being back at the Hosptial with so many crazy emotions and memories of our days spent there it just seems like its home. Sounds crazy right.  I guess I truly am a Wolverine! Hahaha.  I can only imagine what my buckeye fans are thinking !!  

It was a beautiful weekend and Chris and I are so glad we made the trip. We will now make the Walk to Remember be apart of our yearly events and take a picture next to the tree that was planted for Liam's year and watch it grow. These memories are the ones that help us get through this journey. 

 Love to you all!! Xoxo.